Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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