sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Are my feet made of real feet?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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