ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Let's paint friendship bongs
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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