I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
