WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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