Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
