question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
