I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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