dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
