I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
