how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
