The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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