Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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