Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
