The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
