He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
