those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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