How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
