shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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