I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
