First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
