I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
