Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
