the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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