Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
