Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
