Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
