Porn is love you can see.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
