I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
