Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
