There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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