last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
