matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just had sex on a roof
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
