i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
