I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
