Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
