Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
