Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
