her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We left an ass print on the piano.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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