So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
