I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
