i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
