I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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