i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
