I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
