i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just had sex on a roof
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
