I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
