So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
