I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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