just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
