How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
