Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
